• Home
  • Bio
  • Media
    • Read
    • Watch/Listen
  • Speaking
  • Work with me
  • Contact

MsAfropolitan

FEMINISM. PAN-AFRICA. SOCIAL CRITICISM. DIASPORA. CULTURE.

  • feminism
  • Africa
  • Pop Culture
  • Social Criticism
  • decolonisation
  • Afropolitanism
  • seven
  • Sensuous Knowledge
    • Sensuous Knowledge references and recommended reading
    • International
    • Sensuous Knowledge news
  • Other Books
  • The MsAfropolitan Philosophy Book Club @ Waterstones

“Commitmentphilia” versus “Commitmentphobia”

March 21, 2017 By MsAfropolitan 4 Comments

Women spend a lot of energy trying to understand the “commitmentphobia” of men when they should spend it on understanding their own “commitmentphilia”. This is the argument in my latest column at the Nigeria Guardian, also enclosed below.


One week ago today, the world celebrated International Women’s Day for the 108th time. Around the globe, women and men who believe in equality of the sexes raised up their voices about the ways in which equality remains absent.

A lot has changed for women in the past century. They have gained suffrage; they have entered higher education and politics in unprecedented numbers; they have fought for sexual liberation and against sexual violation.

Yet as is it is famously said, the more things change the more they remain the same. It is cold comfort that women have made huge political gains if the pillar of human freedom – the mind – remains as oppressed as it was a century ago. Of what joy are policy changes if women do not have the mental freedom to fully enjoy them.
One thing that negatively controls a woman’s mind, annihilating her self-sufficiency while turning her into an absolute dependent, is the narrative of romantic love. It is a narrative that has been carefully crafted, generation upon generation, to propagate a false perception of male superiority and female inferiority. The narrative stipulates that in love affairs between men and women, men are protective of their freedom while women are eager to absolve theirs. It is a narrative that suggests that when it comes to self-fulfilment, a woman’s deepest source of happiness is the XY chromosome.

It goes without saying, then, that when a man who is socialised to be protective of his freedom, and a woman who on the other hand is socialised to see hers as a burden, come together, they are likely to enter a high-level summit on a bumpy-level playing field. If Romance were a person, they would ask, “Why on earth did you bring me into this mess? How am I meant to survive?”

And yet for some devil of a detail, women’s exaggerated preoccupation with the romantic love narrative continues to shapeshift rather than go away. Women today are just as likely to obsess with romantic love as women in the nineteenth century were. This is true for women from all walks of life.

I have met feminist activists, CEOs, spiritual teachers, you name it, to whom no matter their personal accomplishments, without a dashing appearance from Mr Right, perceive a void in their lives. (Mr Right shapeshifts too – depending on the setting, he can be a rude boy or he could be Ryan ‘Hey Girl’ Gosling.)

Of course, the devil is indeed in the detail, and the “detail” is an age old juggernaut – the status quo. As long as the male superiority complex is the status quo, it is no accident that the average little girl is conditioned from a young age to see romantic love as her primary goal in life.

This way, she remains inferior to her male counterpart whose primary focus is more likely to be the accumulation of wealth, power, knowledge, status, watching football(?) and so on.
What indeed challenges the status quo, and the male superiority complex, is women who have discovered that fulfilment comes from having their own passions and pursuits; women who are able to feel whole whether or not they are part of a couple. I have met such women too but there aren’t enough of them yet.

Look, I am not so naive to believe that men do not pay their toll in this narrative. Men are socialised not to pine for romantic love, at least not as a priority, so men who are romantic (IE. most men) are seen by society as less manly if they express it. Due to their conditioning, men often find it difficult to form true and lasting bonds of intimacy. This is a tough position, but it is undoubtedly women who, in learning to become slaves to the romance narrative, pay the highest price for it.

Nor am I so cool as to dismiss romantic love for ideological reasons. The intensity and spontaneity of romantic love is one of the most beautiful things in life, mine included. Intimacy, togetherness and passion – oh what magnificent and joyous things.

One of the earliest poems ever written anonymously in c. 2000 – 1100 BC Ancient Egypt, illustrates this point well:

Your love has penetrated all within me
Like honey plunged into water,
Like an odour which penetrates spices,
As when one mixes juice in

Romantic love is that way – when a person experiences it, it penetrates the heart and soul of that person. Nothing compares to the ecstasy and lightness that a mutual romance harnesses. But just as “honey plunged into water” was a rare treat in ancient Egypt, so too is romantic love a sweet delight rather than a thing to institutionalise and place on the pedestal of self-fulfilment. In fact, romantic love is best savoured by two minds that have understood that it is the icing on the cake, not the cake itself.

Filed Under: feminism, Social Criticism Tagged With: Commitmentphilia, commitmentphobia

Comments

  1. Tosin says

    March 22, 2017 at 6:50 am

    Gorgeous! As love is gorgeous.

    Reply
  2. Carolina Sander says

    March 25, 2017 at 10:47 am

    It requires great integrity to keep every commitment. This is The best legacy ever. Hey I would like to share this new fake ultrasound design from fakeababy. The best gift as well! It is also best for gags.

    Reply
  3. Medusa says

    July 21, 2017 at 10:04 am

    I completely agree. But at a certain point — maybe five years ago — I started to lose patience for the socialization argument. I understand that socialization is incredibly powerful, even akin to brainwashing, but at the same time, at some point, people need to start taking responsibility for what they choose to do with their own brains. It’s also why I don’t have much time for people adhering to certain types of norms because it’s what they were taught. So what? Can’t you use your own intellect to decide whether or not what you’ve been taught has value?

    Same with romantic love, the subject of this blog. Socialization is powerful, and love can be powerful when it happens and is authentic. But something that is contingent on having another person shouldn’t be the primary goal in a woman’s life, which in many cases it is.

    Reply
    • MsAfropolitan says

      July 24, 2017 at 7:33 am

      The article made a similiar argument to yours. “What indeed challenges the status quo, and the male superiority complex, is women who have discovered that fulfilment comes from having their own passions and pursuits; women who are able to feel whole whether or not they are part of a couple. I have met such women too but there aren’t enough of them yet.”
      and
      “It is cold comfort that women have made huge political gains if the pillar of human freedom – the mind – remains as oppressed as it was a century ago. Of what joy are policy changes if women do not have the mental freedom to fully enjoy them.”
      I completely agree, in other words, and I found it refreshing to read your comments.
      It is the biggest task for us, I believe. To foster a culture where women understand that they can be in the driver’s seat of their own lives. Though fellow feminists have often accused me of victim blaming when I express these beliefs, including when I wrote the facebook post that inspired this article. But I firmly believe that a woman who is psychologically empowered is the biggest threat to sexist socialisation.

      Reply

Leave a Reply Cancel reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.

Feminism. African Studies. Social Criticism.

Hi! I'm Minna Salami, I'm a Nigerian-Finnish and Swedish writer and social critic, and the founder of this blog. Read my full bio here

View My Blog Posts

Subscribe to my newsletter

* indicates required

Follow My social media

Visit Us On InstagramVisit Us On FacebookCheck Our Feed

The New Institute

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=go_ddI8Lu9k&t=7s

Sensuous Knowledge – Get the book (US version)

Sensuous Knowledge – Get the book (UK version)

Recent Comments

  • Evgen on There were no matriarchies in precolonial Africa
  • ทางเข้าเล่น joker on The challenge for western feminism in the 21st century
  • Schües on On Abortion
  • AneM on Polygamy in Africa has little to do with sex
  • Khalifa on Polygamy in Africa has little to do with sex

Archives

  • March 2023 (1)
  • February 2023 (1)
  • August 2022 (4)
  • May 2022 (1)
  • January 2022 (2)
  • December 2021 (1)
  • August 2021 (1)
  • May 2021 (5)
  • April 2021 (3)
  • March 2021 (4)
  • December 2020 (1)
  • October 2020 (1)
  • September 2020 (3)
  • May 2020 (1)
  • April 2020 (2)
  • March 2020 (4)
  • February 2020 (2)
  • January 2020 (1)
  • December 2019 (1)
  • November 2019 (1)
  • July 2019 (1)
  • May 2019 (1)
  • March 2019 (4)
  • February 2019 (1)
  • December 2018 (2)
  • November 2018 (1)
  • October 2018 (2)
  • August 2018 (1)
  • July 2018 (2)
  • June 2018 (2)
  • May 2018 (2)
  • March 2018 (2)
  • February 2018 (2)
  • January 2018 (1)
  • December 2017 (1)
  • November 2017 (1)
  • October 2017 (2)
  • September 2017 (3)
  • August 2017 (6)
  • July 2017 (1)
  • June 2017 (3)
  • May 2017 (6)
  • March 2017 (2)
  • February 2017 (3)
  • January 2017 (2)
  • December 2016 (1)
  • November 2016 (3)
  • October 2016 (3)
  • September 2016 (2)
  • August 2016 (2)
  • July 2016 (2)
  • June 2016 (1)
  • May 2016 (3)
  • April 2016 (1)
  • March 2016 (2)
  • February 2016 (2)
  • January 2016 (3)
  • December 2015 (2)
  • November 2015 (3)
  • October 2015 (4)
  • September 2015 (4)
  • August 2015 (3)
  • July 2015 (2)
  • June 2015 (3)
  • May 2015 (4)
  • April 2015 (4)
  • March 2015 (10)
  • February 2015 (4)
  • December 2014 (3)
  • November 2014 (5)
  • October 2014 (1)
  • September 2014 (2)
  • August 2014 (4)
  • July 2014 (3)
  • June 2014 (3)
  • May 2014 (5)
  • April 2014 (4)
  • March 2014 (2)
  • February 2014 (4)
  • January 2014 (3)
  • December 2013 (3)
  • November 2013 (4)
  • October 2013 (3)
  • September 2013 (4)
  • August 2013 (5)
  • July 2013 (4)
  • June 2013 (4)
  • May 2013 (6)
  • April 2013 (3)
  • March 2013 (7)
  • February 2013 (3)
  • January 2013 (5)
  • December 2012 (4)
  • November 2012 (9)
  • October 2012 (8)
  • September 2012 (4)
  • August 2012 (6)
  • July 2012 (6)
  • June 2012 (5)
  • May 2012 (8)
  • April 2012 (7)
  • March 2012 (5)
  • February 2012 (4)
  • January 2012 (6)
  • December 2011 (5)
  • November 2011 (6)
  • October 2011 (6)
  • September 2011 (8)
  • August 2011 (6)
  • July 2011 (5)
  • June 2011 (5)
  • May 2011 (5)
  • April 2011 (4)
  • March 2011 (7)
  • February 2011 (6)
  • January 2011 (7)
  • December 2010 (5)
  • November 2010 (9)
  • October 2010 (7)
  • September 2010 (5)
  • August 2010 (4)
  • July 2010 (6)
  • June 2010 (5)
  • May 2010 (3)
  • April 2010 (3)
  • March 2010 (1)

more articles

Black feminism and the polycrisis

March 17, 2023 By MsAfropolitan Leave a Comment

… [Continue Reading...]

New writing on the Eco Gender Gap

February 16, 2023 By MsAfropolitan Leave a Comment

… [Continue Reading...]

Privacy Policy

https://msafropolitan.com/gdpr

Copyright MsAfropolitan © 2023