I knew that my partner was a feminist before he did. From the moment we met, he proved to be a man who defied traditional gender roles (he cooks way more than I do) and ensured that his interactions with the women around him were not only non-invasive, but nurturing as well. From the way he speaks about women, to the way to checks men, I could spot his feminist ways early on. There were five clear signs that my perfect man was a feminist; so read this, take notes, and keep an eye out for these traits on your next date:
1. He doesn’t disrespect you with his preferences: When a man says “I only like light skin women,” or that he only dates women with big asses, he is stripping the value of millions of women because they don’t have the right skin tone or physique. A feminist man will be able to see that the words he uses to publically express what he does and does not like about women are extremely sexist, and leaves women vulnerable and uneasy in their own skin. This does not mean do not have a preference, it means that continuously expressing that preference is an act that physiologically breaks down the self-esteem of the women around you. To put one set of women on a pedestal, while systematically degrading another set because they are too dark or too skinny, is a clear way to say you do not respect, or value women.
2. He doesn’t call other men pussies: When a man calls another man a pussy, he is disrespecting the physiology of a woman by attaching negative qualities like jealously and weakness to women and not men. He is essentially saying the female organ that births children is to be used to degrade a man, and make him feel inadequate. A man should find it disgusting that one of the lowest forms of insulting another man is to compare him to a vagina, and insinuate that women are indeed the weaker and more problematic gender. As we know, men can be weak, they gossip, they can engage in very jealous behavior; because these are HUMAN traits and not just female traits. This also applies to “you hit like a girl,” “act like a man not a little bitch,” and all variations that make women the butt of an insult.
3. He’s not the guy asking for hugs: When a man sees that bus driver, security guard, or co-worker who is sharing unwanted comments with women about their bodies, or giving unsolicited hugs and shoulder rubs, it is EVERYONE’S (not just women’s) responsibility to school him on sexual harassment. I understand a man can not physically stop every friend, family member, or fool on the street from being that “gimme a hug” guy, but he can speak up against it. It is not ok to stand there and watch your friend grabbing asses on the street, and it is not enough to say “but I don’t do that.” It takes a man conscious of the female experience to be able to identify sexual harassment; he should see and feel the discomfort of any woman when her personal space and peace are being disrupted because she has breasts.
4. He doesn’t need a personal assistant: He wakes himself up, can remember his mother’s birthday, and cooks his meals. He was an independent man before you, and if you do choose to help him in his day to day tasks, it is a treat and not expected for the rest of your life. It is no folk tale that many men desire a women that will take care of his needs. In a relationship the support should be constant and genuine, but what is unrealistic is a man who feels entitled to being catered to hand and foot, 365 days a year just like his mother used to do. A feminist man is not only self-sufficient, but he is just as concerned with what you need daily as he is with his own needs.
5. He lets women speak: We have all been on a date, or in a bar, or in a meeting at work when the man you’re supposed to be conversing with, actually won’t let you speak. He will ask you a question and then conveniently spends the next 30 minutes speaking over you. Not only is he arrogant, he has no sense of his privilege as a male. The fact that a typical man can fully express himself at work without being interrupted or undermined is a privilege that can translate into a boyfriend or husband that has no idea how to let his woman communicate her needs and opinions. A feminist man not only limits his control of conversations, but he ensures that other men around him are giving women the space to speak as well.
Image is “The Sacred Marriage” by Andrew Gonzales.
Kemi says
A feminist man does not offer up unsolicited opinions on ‘how I like my women’, ‘what I prefer in my women’… because he recognises that when he is in the company of women women are actually fully formed human beings with a plethora of interests and concerns and opinions all competing to be understood and heard therefore having a man treat them like their existence is a perpetual audition to be some man’s girlfriend or wife-in-training or a member of their own private audience desperate to receive knowledge as man sees it, filling up their empty heads, is no way acceptable. He understands that when in the company of women they will speak and engage in discourse on their terms and demonstrating performative consideration and respect by ‘letting women speak’ needs to constantly be checked as it is often followed with abuse and hostility when women are not giving thanks and handing out biscuits for this example of feminist man or chivalry paving way for them to be the adult functioning human beings.
Displaying generosity when in the throes of lust or love in the early stages of a relationship, i’m afraid, is not evidence of a feminist man.
Patrick Slavenburg says
I am not sure about the pussy point either. In fact many men say equally often: “he’s such a dick”, or “asshole” etc. so pussy fits right in. Besides, since the ’90s women use the exact same words (from dick to pussy) as men do and just as much.
I’m Dutch. Dutch profanity knows about 100 body parts that are being used. Same for illnesses. From cancer to TBC. It’s so common and prevalent there’s even an English lang. Wikipedia entry for it.
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dutch_profanity#Profanity_related_to_sexuality.2C_the_human_body.2C_and_animals
It’s a different matter whether you are OK with the terminology but there really isn’t statistical evidence to connect the word “pussy” with gender bias. Or if there is, show me the data. There’s a point to make, and the article makes it well, but you’re doing yourself a disservice to push the agenda too hard.
mmmdot says
You have GOT to be kidding. Pointing out all the nasty pejoratives Deutsch use in their language isn’t indication of anything positive – it’s just pathetic. It makes you look like a morally bankrupt antisocial jerk who doesn’t know how to talk to people – let alone women. Not only does this not involve you, if you Deutsch actually speak that way to each other on the regular, then your culture’s morals, ethics, and basic “value system” is fundamentally anti-social. Deal with it.
Unless it’s about using dishonest, parasitic, and socially destructive but “legal” cutthroat capitalist economics to get away with committing crimes against humanity, you need to keep your fxxcked up selfish bourgeois sovereign “individualism” and entitled and asinine requests for “data” (like it’s more “objective”, lol) to yourself. What the hell does “data” have to do with anything? Lol. We’re talking about how people with basic social skills exhibit basic civility and everyday decency to each other -particularly when it concerns men’s misogynistic language and deliberately overbearing behavior towards African descended women. It’s not that hard to grasp. Again this isn’t about you. Go read a freaking book about the topics she brought up here and do it on your OWN time, without making entitled requests for information that no one owes you and stop talking about things you don’t understand.
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Evian says
First of all, It is Dutch not Deutsch, you offended us. Second of all, you 4th wave western feminists are absolutely horrible and have nothing to fight for.
mmmdot says
Does it make a difference? I refuse to Anglicize it and It helps me remind me and you of exactly who you people are. No matter if you call yourselves Dutch or German or English or Saxon…you’re all Deutsch, and don’t YOU ever forget it, mmmkay? Yawn. Data has nothing to do with this. Your crazed, white male entitlement complex is the problem here – as usual. “Bourgeois” describes your whole typical, tired, anti-social and revolting masculinist “culture,” “bourgeois” it is. Deal with it. If you don’t like it, stop acting like the typical intrusive, loudmouth, anti-social, and NOSY white male jerk ranting about the so-called “benefits” selfish bourgeois sovereign “individualism” on the internet. The worst place YOUR developmentally delayed behind can be is in someone else’s business.
If we want to know how to commit a white collar crime that devastates everyone’s lives or how to abuse power that we have no right to have any kind of access to, we’ll call you. We ALREADY know where to find you and your typical, tired, cliche, dumb, and socially destructive “solutions” for everything. One of you is always somewhere watching us anyway. It’s overbearing, rude, and creepy – the exact way that you suggested African men should speak to African women. Speaking to an African woman in an appropriate when you’re already on her shxt list is definitely not one of your strong suits. Leave that to actual African women. Stick to what you know, mmmkay? Using carefully worded legalese to sanction hideous human atrocities, misogyny, stealing, and anti-social behavior that makes people (especially women) seethe with passive aggressive and open animosity towards you is more your speed. Clearly this has nothing to do with you, and you have nothing of worth to add here…just retract your clammy pinkish reddish white hands out of this shxt and sit your behind down somewhere.
mmmdot says
And insulting whole NATIONS, not “countries” – who clearly deserve to be put in their anti-social place because of the revolting false superiority complex of way too many of its members – is more my speed. Based on what you’ve said, nobody in their right mind should take advice about how to talk to women from YOU. This goes double for anyone who’s actually trying to repair a frayed relationship (instead of deepening the rift) with a group of women. If your intellectually stunted behind can’t grasp that using vulgarities with a group of women who are already mad at you is a sure way to get slapped, then I don’t know what to say to you. You have no social skills, mmkay? Deal with it.