This is a guest blog by Stephanie Kimou (pictured) who blogs at A Black Girl in the World
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Minna’s article last week on the reasons why she/we love African men, was pretty spot on right? I certainly appreciate African men and if I may be biased, especially West African men – *swoon*.
I agree that there is an aura of unrehearsed confidence about African men that makes women like me weak. And Minna’s point about a sort of feministic archetype African man is interesting.
Plus, they understand us right? They too get the 3am calls from relatives back home who can never seem to get the time differences right. They too understand the monthly Western Union visits to send our cousins’ school fees. They sympathize with us the when our white co-workers ask if we speak “African”, or if we can teach them how to twerk.
However, now that I’m back living on the continent as a single girl, many of my interactions with African men have left me wondering if the love is mutual.
I’ve come to wonder if African men see us are as their cherished equals, their queens? I’m getting the feeling that they all lust for their very own Kim Khardashians, leaving the Fatimas, Onyekas, and Wanjirus of the world high and dry?
Let me give you a few examples. A couple of weeks ago I had some friends over to my home in Tanzania for Sunday daytime drinking (don’t judge). One of my guests, influenced by my cocktails, confessed his feelings about my roommate who is white. He basically said that I was not as valuable as my roommate because of her heritage. Another case: one of my friends doing her masters degree in a cold, faraway Scandinavian country met a guy from the same African country that she comes from. After spending time together, and connecting on the fact that they spoke the same language, and shared other experiences, he eventually revealed to her that he really wanted an “exotic” woman, meaning non-African. This reminded me of a male friend who doesn’t mind African women as long as they are light skinned. Ethiopian women, he once told me he liked, because “Ethiopian women make the women from his country,” [beautiful women who I think look very much like myself] “look like animals.” Can you imagine?
The list of experiences goes on. Between my girlfriends and I; we have had our fair share of less than pleasant interactions with African men.
African men that we in return speak so highly about; African men that we have loved all our lives, whom we were raised with, who raised us. African men who we covet and respect. Yet have we lost the shine in their eyes? Do African men really love us back?
Leave a comment with your thoughts.
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Born in Abidjan, Cote d’Ivoire and raised in Washington, DC, Stephanie Kimou is a blogger by night at A Black Girl in the World and a program manager at WomenCraft Social Enterprises in Ngara, Tanzania by day. She holds a masters in International Affairs and Gender Studies from Georgetown University in DC.
Stephanie has written on MsAfropolitan previously about marriage and women in an African context.
Great post and valid questions!I’d like to hear what the men have to say.
Twaambo, this reminds me of your post on DD. What a perspective.
Interesting piece. I've had similar conversations with Ghanaian men.
I’ve been saying this for years. Black men don’t want us. That includes Black African and Black American. They’ve got issues, inferiority complex issues and they’re busy chasing white booty. It’s a shame but it’s the bald-faced truth. Thank you for this post.
I date black women exclusively and Im a black man. I have many friends the same as me, I also know some who dare white women. Im african american, we have been exposed to white women for a long time its not new or exotic to us, When i was younger I dated many white women and the reason is very simple, they wer more available, they wer ready to sleep with me quicker so I messed with them. As I got older and began looking for a wife I bagan to recognize that it was a Black woman I needed to have a family with. Anyways this is my 2 cents. There are many black men out there who prefer black woman, sometimes we just cant get to you with all the white women standing in the path
I am an African American man. I understand the point you are making Chika , but I think the problem is more complex . First of all let me be clear on the point. There is no other women on the planet more beautiful than a black woman . I prefer no other.
Secondly , let me make one other point black men regardless of where they’re from are not inferior and generally house no complex about who we are .
Now I do understand some of your and other black women’s frustration , we as black have our frustrations with this subject as well . But as I state earlier the subject is quite complex .
To be perfectly honest black men and black women are disliked by a majority of the world with with a few exceptions . From my point of view we should really look to each other an support one another with true honesty and look to help each other in every way possible . There is no reason that we look elsewhere. In doing so we miss the abundance God has put right before us. If we are willing to work hard , everything we touch turns to gold . There is no limit to what we are capable of . Why do you think we are copied so much ? Why do you think everyone try’s to suppress us ?
Yes , we have a few bad apples . There is no such thing as perfect . Only in our minds . But we are blessed with abilities that exceed the understanding of most . And we should take a moment and look and really see who we are . We are great . We are beautiful .
I am Aaron .
I love your points! Very insightful!
They are busy chasing everyone. I am Latina (half white) and I have found out that my so-called boyfriend has been seeing 10 women behind my back. I don;t even know how he gets the time!
By the way he is from Sierra Leone and they are from everywhere but Africa. I don’t get it either. African women are the most beautiful women in the world.
I’ve heard and seen men do the same thing. African women need to broaden their horizons. African men are not the only men in the world. The sooner we start to diversify our idea of the ‘ideal man’ the better.
I agree
i agree
Broadening your horizon does not mean that things are going to be better. It is ridiculous when people say this because it does not guarantee anything, The fact that one African man or perhaps two treated you, an African woman negatively, does not mean that there would obey some African man out there who will do the opposite. There are African women who eventually regret expanding their horizons just so you know.
I partially agree with Joke. Women need to broaden their horizons as regards dating and marriage. African women might just realize they are better appreciated by men of other races.
You must be a Caucasian. That is utter nonsense of course, African women and men were put on the same planet to mate with each other and to find companionship with each other. Relationships with Caucasians will never work unless that African disassociates himself or herself from Africans as a whole and this is detrimental to output identity and culture.
I will not agree with the generalisation that African men do not love African women back. What I think could be the issue is that as an African woman once you acquire european tastes, interests and a lot of their culture it becomes difficult to meet or attract other african men who have equally attained european tastes, interests and culture and it is these type of African men who tend to go for White European women. For the African men that may be interested in because you have little in common in terms of taste, interests and culture that they may not make the approach. I think the problem is the smaller pool that African women educated in the west have to choose from and that is why it appears that you are not being loved back. This may be a simplistic explanation of what is going on but it may form one of the reasons why some African women think their men is not loving them back.
Thanks for your guest post Stephanie, which I really enjoyed and could relate to. I know the type of guy you’re talking about, I’ve met men to whom I was too black and also those who found me preferable because I’m light skinned. But I’ve also met African men who preferred dark skinned sisters to women with my complexion.
Yet I’d be interested in discussing whether the issue about African men preferring exotic women is one that Africans who have lived in the diaspora are more conscious of? Is it to some extent an issue that is especially stubborn in African American society that we have imported alongside much US cultural influence?
After all, most relationships in African societies are between Africans of the same nationality, same skin tone, ethnic group even.
And in Nollywood movies, for instance, for the most part the “love intererest” is a black African woman.
I’d love to hear what people think.
@MsAfropolitan I think you’re right in saying that the issue seems to be more apparent with African men living in the diaspora. Could it also be age or generation specific? However, I don’t know if this is an African American influence. I think issues like self-identity and the portrayal of black images in the media have a lot to do with the way African men are relating to African women of all complexions. The too light too dark rhetoric seems to be a common thread.
@Joke – Good point about it also being generation specific. I think you’re right, however, even there I would question whether the import of a particular type of US youth culture influences the debate to some extent.
Re the media that’s why I mentioned Nollywood, which is after all the most influential TV/media output for many Africans.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m not suggesting the problem doesn’t exist independent of diasporic influences, but I think we should be mindful of how we frame the light/dark skin dialogue in an African continental context.
Interesting discussion, thanks for commenting.
Yes they doo. 🙂
Yes, some African men do love you back. It's painful to read some of the comments here from African women and sad because statements made in this manner end up becoming a self fulfilling prophecy. Not to take away from your experiences but you just came across African men with that outlook. Elsewhere you will find that we love you.
I’d like to bring the North African view to perspective as well. In Egypt, where most of the women are relatively of lighter skin than those from the rest of the continent, color is also an issue and features are also an issue. I mean the mainstream men prefer the fair skinned woman with straight hair and fair complexion than the relatively darker skinned, curly haired one. It’s a hidden belief in the culture that the lighter you are, the more beautiful. Only men who were able to break through the stereotypes are able to cherish the beauty of dark skin.
I am a 70 year old African American man who lived in Africa for three years
and I must say with candor that the level of complexion, ethnic, and facial
bias was/is very disturbing. The crux of this disturbing phenomena is rooted in Euro-centrism, and its attendant feature of so-called “white
privilege. In other words, racism/white supremacy is a centuries old
philosophy that a considerable number of Africans throughout the Diaspora are not cognizant of its pervasiveness. Hence, they react to
it via self-hate. A continual historical awareness of Africa, and its subjugation to white nationalist policies can ease, I believe, some of the
dastardly beliefs and practices that Africans perpetrate on one another.
Bear in mind that it is not only Africans/women who suffer from this gender/complexion rejection, but other women of color s well. Hence, Asian women are altering their eyes, dying their hair blond in the hope of gaining a Caucasian mate. East Indian men and women view the “ideal”
mate as “light to white.” As I stated above, this took centuries to develop it will not be erased any time soon; however, we can steadily chip away at it. Some action is better than no action. It is better to be pro-active than re-active.
I neglected to tell you Sister Stephanie that you are a beautiful young woman. Please, do not be dismayed; there are men of African descent who will relish your intelligence, charm, and feminine dignity.
Wow, sometimes I can't believe people would say such things about women/men of their own race. On the other hand, everyone is free to have their own tastes and if that's another race, that's fine, but there's no need to make others feel less worthy with derogatory words. I think it says something about themselves as well. The fact that one would think that someone is 'valuable because of her heritage'… Either way, I have learned not to focus on black men who think this way about black women, but to focus on the MANY, MANY, UNCOUNTABLE black men who do actually love us back and think we're princesses and queens! 🙂
Women of the diaspora share similar concerns. In the U.S. many of my female friends and family members openly declare their love, admiration and support for Black men but they must often display this love from afar, since it appears that those feelings are not always reciprocated. As a teenager most of my Black girlfriends and I took note of how many Black boys dated white (or Latina and occasionally Asian) girls. Most white, Latino and Asian boys weren't interested in us either so we often wondered who was left for us if our own didn't want us. I've noticed that many African and Caribbean born men come to the U.S. with a great distaste for African-American women. They really just don't seem to like us at all and are often quite rude about it. I'm very thankful to have met and married my husband (an African American) when I did, but I sometimes feel a little hurt that as a whole, some of our men seem to care very little for so many of our women.
Cause they’re weak and stupid minded, and you also got a bunch of undercover fags in the bunch, so let them go, and sleep with the enemy.
I understand how you feel my lady, but we have to also understand that a lot of those guys who feel that way about their own women are weak and stupid minded. For one I know a lot of African men who dream of having a white woman, but they don’t realize that their destroying their own essence, and existence by rejecting who they are. However, for me I don’t mined cause I’m going to stay with a black woman and because of their stupidity it gives me more to chose from.
I have dated an a Kenyan guy for over 10 years now and just gotten married 2 months ago to him. Dated 8 years long distance…I was in the US schooling and he was in Kenya in college too. There were so many red flags from the beginning but the long distance blinded me plus, I was just too busy in school to let my mind start thinking of those red flags. I didn’t know any better then anyways. Some of those red flags included; he never paid for any of our dates whenever I visited Kenya (I am the one who paid for the lunches, dinners…), his phone would be off most of the weekends and would NEVER call me, he lied so many times, he rarely sent me birthday wishes…the list is long! To cut the story short, I moved back to when he was denied entry to the US. We ended up having a baby together and stupid me, I agreed to marry him 2 months ago because I thought he was changing to the man I desired to have. It’s barely been 2 months since we got married and honestly, he has proven to me he will never stop being stingy, egocentric, childish, lier, demeaning other people (he thinks he is everything since he is a doctor)! He is a control freak too! He has passwords to all his gadgets/electronics including his phone BUT he gets mad when he tries to access my electronics and is prompted to enter a password. He is so full of himself! He is a typical African man who believes that it is a woman’s job to cook, clean, do laundry, ensure the kids are clean and have done their homework, etc etc. I have raised my concerns regarding his behavior but he just doesn’t care. It’s official that I can’t live with such a man and worse off, I can’t have a marriage relationship with him. I have decided I to go back to the US. I deserve better. It is from my experience with him that I DO NOT WANT anything to do with African men! They are crazy! Maybe there are good African men out there but, not for me. I deserve better.
Maybe it’s the curse of the Afropolitan single woman! I have heard from uncles in my family married to non-African women: “If I had met a black woman like you, I’d have never married out of race.” What do they mean? That if they had met an African woman with the RIGHT amount of Western mannerisms and values they can put up with, they would have settled with her. I have also heard from guys my age (I’m 35): “Well, when men meet a like you, they think they can’t get her.” or “you’re too self-sufficient, you’re too Westernized, you will never get along with a black men.” All comments from fellow Afropolitans! The truth is that black men can’t get rid of their prejudices towards black women. First of all, there is the fact that when they see us (the fact that we have a dark skin), they expect us to behave like their moms did and still do with their dads. I’m always befuddled by black men who cook, do the laundry when they date a non-black girl and refuse to do these chores with a female black partner. Yep, I’m still talking about Afropolitans. 2nd preconceived idea: black women are complicated, drama queens, opinionated and impossible to court. The result of this way of thinking: they’d rather date out of race. Of course, there’s also the inferiority complex, the ingrained subconscious colonial self-hate at play but that’s the way it is. Last but not least: the skin complexion and the hair. Well let’s call a spade a spade: men in Africa, especially West and Central Africa, love light-skinned women. Some even buy bleaching products for their wives and girlfriends because a dark-skinned girl isn’t considered beautiful. Now, let’s move to the hair! Do black men hit on black girls who has short hair, decide to go natural or just stick with hair styles like cornrows? Nope, they don’t find it attractive: relaxed hair is more attractive, is deemed neat. The truth is that a lot of male educated black men really don’t know where they’re from hence they don’t know themselves. I am not talking about platitudes like “in traditional African societies, a man used to the provider, the leader”, this kind of BS. I am talking about knowing themselves what makes them the individual they’re. They’re confused and there’s nothing sadder than a black man who tells you about the real and imaginary flaws of black women as a justification for looking for an “exotic” woman. Have you looked at your mom lately? I have no issues with brothers who tell me “I’m just attracted to Asian, European, non-Black women, it’s just like that.” But the ones who try to explain you how Black women are intrinsically defective or inferior to the other ones, nah, those self-hating ones? I say: “Good riddance” when they decide to date/marry non-black women.
We should love one another
I share the same concern I am a black African american female and my boyfriend is African . we been together for four years now and I really do love him.but I Dont get it in return sometimes he talk to me like he doesn't love me.he said to me one day that black women are dramatize and white women are not .I told him that black women have been through to much in this world to prove our worth just so we can stand ourselves . when white women had it easy street.
OMG.
I feel like I’ve just been punched in the head after reading this well written but very tragic article.
My sista’s if this is what you are thinking then all I can do is say is that I am very sorry that you have come into contact with my brothas that think like that.
I can equally tell you that there are many of us for whom the ‘exotic’ desire is equally untrue.
It is my experience that most men exposed to western media are socialised in a way that elevates european beauty ideals above all else. However the spiritual and political maturity that is supposed to comes with age offers men the discipline to eradicate or at least mange their physical urges and make choices based on character and love of cultural compatibility and /or familiarity.
However as you may know, many ‘men’ are really boys grown big. There has been little personal development since childhood so they carry on with simplistic thoughts based on normalised ‘white is right’ stimuli.
But look hard at most of those African men who don’t even want to know you and you will find a man who doesn’t quite love himself.
And a man that loathes self is incapable of loving reflection of self let alone ironically, the ‘exotic’ prize he so desperately seeks to validate his own need to be accepted as valuable. Franz Fanon explains the phenomena far better than I ever can.
So in answer to your opening question.
Yes Stephanie, we love you.
Not all of us, but enough of us, the trick now is our finding each other.
He was trying to make you mad thats all…he was trying to tear your self-esteem down…they do it to white women as well,,,Iam a black American and i witness it all the time…Black and white americans do need to know that African people are not BLACK people like the ones in the U.S…they are culturally different…i tell them all the time that they are not black…they only laugh because its so true…been friends with them about 13 years now…Western Media only call any race that is non-white to being black…not just Africans
Im Nigerian I currently go out with a girl thats from Brazil but in all honesty african women are beautiful and shouldn’t worry a man chases what he wants thats all it is
I must say, I love and adore openly, only black woman as a darkskin Caribbean Blackman, this is somewhat frowned upon by people in the west. I find it hard to approach the average dark skinned blackwoman, most are perpetuated with self hate, and they have shown a lot darkskin men in the hope for light skin One. lighter skin woman are usually more open to darkskin men, even if that man wanted a dark skin woman. Ladies do not judge any man by what he looks like! We have get pass the weaves the make up and your tedious issues. But I love black woman anyway, because of who they are. They are me!
Oh well, very interesting article and convesations. Let start’s by a few of my personal expericences. I’m Burundian (with rwandan descent too) and i was raised in Burundi but i moved to Europe (Switzerland/France) at my teen age. I started by dating few guys from West Africa at the university, without succes. At the same time, my white female friends were h”hypnotized by African men. I even remember one who told how much she wanted to be a black girl because “OUR AFRICAN MEN LOVE US”. I felt weird because I did not live or what she described feeling and I did not know many of my black friends who could testify. The other i remembered, is anadvice from my close family to never show your love to an African men, thought i found in my many others conversations. When in 2012, i went back to Burundi, i was disappoited by the mentality towards white people likewhy am i came back without a white husband? Or i never find a man there i’m too westernized to be a good Burundian wife.All that remarks made me think it’s not only about African men and women, it’s about our environment and the way we are raised. I would like an African man in the ideal but there are so many cultural and social misunderstandings. I begin to lead me to look the other men. Even to this day, I haven’t yet find the one who knows to look, to see, to hear and uto nderstand who I am. In Africa, we are educated to SHOW US WELL in society at any time we aren’t teached to hear ourselves by thinking on what we are as human beings. I do not even speak of love, but self-acceptance. I read somewhere, in the comments, that white girls have sex easily. Yes, sometimes, but because they see themselves as people who may have and make choices. If an African women acts likely,she is prostitute.
As we Afrcians we must always do for the good of the family (and what extended family) and society; and rarely for our true self. It’s the same for men and women. So, I find myself thinkiing I don’t want this Africanity which deny me my right to love African man (who is in PEACE with what he is not what he appears to be) without the manipulations that go with it (using whitchcraft to keep him with meann an imposing step family to name few).
Sorry it’s too long 🙁
Not too long at all! I am sure Stephanie would agree that this was a very engaging comment. You raised many intriguing points and especially the thoughts on nurturing the self, and self-acceptance resonate with me. I think we are in a place in African history where we are defining the relationship between the individual and the community. And in many parts of the continent the communal idea of appropriate feminine behaviour restricts the individual woman
Maybe I’m getting much older or something ( in which I am) but when it comes to finding love, I learned the following: Its unconditional, patient, beautiful, responsible and kind.
I am an African American woman who was raised in a mostly White community. Even though I was a little thing,the first guys I was attracted to where White / Jewish guys . It was also a great thing that my parents exposed to the truth about Black culture. From there, I would see Black people in a different light .
As I got older,I still were attracted to White guys but I began to develop an attraction ..especially those from Africa,the Caribbean..just not African American men. At one point,I admit not being attracted to my own culture of men😔 and I’m ashamed to say that only because my dad abandoned his family and the kids…who just happened to African American ,picked on me. Far as I was concerned,I just thought that I was no good but I still didn’t want to harbor those feelings and not look like a neo Nazi bootlicker.
Forward wind to 2019..Ive learned a lot about people. Far as men folk,I find Black men and AS men included to be quite sexy. I don’t know what happened to me. It’s like lightning struck reality in me…seeing things close up as my old 11th grade would tell me .
My former attraction that I has for White guys have subsided for some reason. With non Black men,I find them to be very attractive but Black men,whether African,from the Caribbean or from the United States..woo..they are just sexy to me.
Far as other qualities ,I discriminate against no man when it comes to that. My dad may have I initially left a bad taste in my mouth with AA ,but the devil is a liar and the best thing I can do is to learn valuable lessons from that..by improving myself and to find a man who is ^ what I mentioned and who is family oriented.
While there is nothing wrong with being attracted to someone of opposite backgrounds, dating them/ marrying them should not be thought as a way of ” escapism” from life problems. People should be in them to grow , enjoy each ,love and learn from themselves. I promise anybody that if they’re connecting with people because they think that one group is better than others,they’ll discover that the grass may be greener right where the are .That is a lesson that I partly learned.
Though I don’t think I want to date anymore, I love to see other people in love with each other..especially when comes to those from the African diaspora.Some of us may our differences but we also have more in common than we give ourselves credit for. I like learning and growing from others..Whether it’s someone from your own culture or from elsewhere, I hope that we all can do the same.