You find out that your friends partner is having an affair.
If you tell them you risk ruining their relationship, however, they might not split up, then you’ll become the archenemy to their happiness.
Then again if you don’t tell him/her, you’ll start avoiding your friend.
What would you do, would you rely on someone else to do the dirty work?
You forgot the "it depends" option. On the type of friend this is happening to. I have an agreement with my "closest friends". I'd want to know… and I wont drop you in it by revealing who told me. I hate being the last to know! Just make sure its certain! However what I do subsequently is up to me. And I have kept to it, never snitched because who told me has never been the real issue.
I have 3 friends who have told me they don't want to know and perhaps 2 who do. I think its a hypothetical conversation women should have with each other before such an issue should arise. More importantly know your friend and figure out their reaction beforehand. One of my friends who wants to know has a filthy temper… and I don't want to be a part of that… so I aint telling her and I said so!
Once they are married though… I think one should stay out of it entirely. The truth will out! Ultimately I believe people know deep inside something isn't right and they make subconscious decisions. Telling them will only burst that bubble and they will hate you for it.
If it were guys and they witnessed their friend's girl cheating and tell their friend. That friendship doesnt start to deteriorate as a result. But us women unfortunately shoot the messenger more than guys do!
Having said all that… the situation hasn't quite come up yet. Me being the bearer of any news that is.
Nana Yaw Asiedu says
I voted for 'keep it to yourself'. But if I feel that (considering the kind of friendship I have with them) I can pull it off, then I will try to give them a hint and hope they will figure out for themselves or draw me out to say it.
I did not vote because my option is not in the list, ie ask your friend if they will like to know.
If you know your friend well enough, then you can decide whether it will be prudent to tell or not.
I would like to know whether i am married to the cheating partner or not.
Just in case i get to know a friend's partner is cheating (hope not),I am going to ask my friends whether they will like to be told if their partner is cheating on them, just to be on the safe side.
@anonymous, I like the idea of discussing it with your friends just in case, but what people say and what they want is not always the same…
Maybe it's worth speaking to the cheating partner, and ask them to confess…that's another option…But then, what if they refuse!
We (women) do shoot the msgr all too often, which I think is a huge shame. It's like all the sisterly love we normally have for each other goes down the gutter when it comes to the infidelity of a guy
Oh shit, it ain't an easy one
@Nana, this is what I would vote for too. How do you hint something like that though, start talking about infidelity maybe?
@Lyrix, good plan, although I think everyone might say they would want to know by default.
Myne Whitman says
I voted for telling them. If I know both equally, I'll tell the one who is cheating first and hope they stop or confess or whatever. If the status quo continues as far as I can tell and it bodes ill for the other party, then I will have to tell them too.
I voted for the tell them option but like @Anonymous, it depends. If they were a good enough friend, then I'd tell them partly because I'd hope they wouldn't shoot the messenger but also partly because I'd rather lose their friendship and give them the chance to make an informed decision than stand by and do nothing. If I was unsure of how they would take it or they weren't a good enough friend to get involved, I'd tell their partner that I knew and threaten to tell unless they told her themselves or stopped. I wouldn't tell her but I'd hope that something would come of my intervention.
Isn't it funny that no matter how advanced our society becomes in every way, age old conundrums like this one still stump us 😀
Chic Therapy says
send an anonymous letter to inform your friend
@Vickii, it is indeed funny and interesting. You can never strip bare the true instincts of humanity…we should tailor-make all advancements around that. But then again, who can define the true nature of man!
@chic therapy, no can’t do that lol
@myne, think I’m with you there
I know MsAfropolitan thats why I said gauge your friend as well.
I think if you ask the cheater to confess you risk what you were trying to avoid in telling your friend in the first place. ie before you can say “jack robinson” the man starts finding flaws with you that he voices to his partner or he tells her that you hit on him or something. Yes, men can be vindictive! Especially if they really don’t want the truth out. I mean does one now start trying to defend themselves with “Oh He’s only saying that cos I caught him cheating”.
If he happens to be a good friend of mine then I would insist he confess. But since I tend not to have close male friends “unlikely”.
I also have to say girls… I have never accosted a guy based on what a friend has told me. What the information has done however is put me in “ninja mode” ;). Meaning I find out what I need to for myself based on my knowledge and I become satisfied (doesnt take long.. I’m a good ninja and if there’s writing on the wall I’m good at reading it when its pointed out if I hadn’t already figured it out myself.
So when the time for confrontation comes (IF I decide to confront and not just walk away leaving him wondering if his perceived b.o. eventually overpowered the relationship or that some hot ex-model/ hedge fund whizz stole me away?) no one will be confusing my head with trivial points or be swearing on their mother’s life it didn’t happen because my mind would be totally set on what the facts are.
Maybe its a lawyer thing… but I need all my irrefutable evidence in place before we have a hearing… even though I might trust my friend… I want him to know for SURE, I know the truth and not even attempt to act the fool further with more lies. Also it never boils down to “your friend is lying”… cos Ive gone beyond that… LOL I also find because I’m so sure I never bother ranting (Yes Ive been there). I just calmly state the facts… say my piece and I’m out the window like a ninja! But I also hold the view cheaters don’t deserve an explanation from you when you are sure. Just walk… unless youre already married of course… then… its complicated. Though I suspect I might still walk… (maybe I’ll be nice and leave a Dear John letter 😉
OK, here’s what I’ve decided to do – option A, keep quiet about it.
I feel bad for not telling my friend, but I’ve analysed the scenario and come to the conclusion that this is the kind of relationship where they would not break up, but try to ‘patch’ things up, which of course would lead to my not being a popular character in their lives.
@Anonymous, a good way of finding out what to do is reversing the scenario like you’ve done. I too would like to make sure that my friend’s accusations are true before dealing with my partner. How to do that though, is a whole different matter (unless you’re a lawyer or detective)
Also, I’m way too impatient, so I’d probably want to reveal to him that I know immediately!
Good Call, if they will patch things up most likely your head will be on some sort of serving tray!
Re: how to go about confirming accusations… may I offer you my business card? I’m a second cousin twice removed to Mma Ramotswe
Re: impatience… might I suggest The Art of War by Sun Tzu?… “has been applied to many fields well outside of the military. Much of the text is about how to fight wars without actually having to do battle: it gives tips on how to outsmart one’s opponent so that physical battle is not necessary. As such, it has found application as a training guide for many competitive endeavors that do not involve actual combat.”
Sometimes holding back just a few moments more might yield the most eye opening “Eureka” moment. Yes it involves a bit more head than heart, but perhaps us chicks need just a tad bit more head in relationships anyway. I would also hate to falsely accuse someone of something. That includes any friend and not just my man…
Keep meaning to read Art of war …
Patience is indeed a virtue, as is honesty, and maybe the solution is in between. In other words, it should not be about screaming someone down with accusations, but handing them the information at hand in a mature way and gauging the reaction.
Unless I could find out more about an alleged affair through reasonable and simple methods, and based on how much I confide in the informant, I somehow would hate to waste any energy to protect the unlikely innocence of my partner.
Absolutely, I think a relationship of any sort benefits from equal measures of head and heart…
Keep quiet. Unless you friend is in complete denial, which may well be the case, he/she probably already knows/suspects something.
I hope so!
Nana Yaw says
Yes, Ms, you start talking and just happen to ‘stray’ into infidelity.
though situation. Am egger to know what ppl thing, hope you will do a post on the responses. x
Anonymous 2 says
This quite an interesting subject. I know I caught it two years later but hey…!
So now here’s a scenario: your husband’s friend is cheating on his wife with your own best friend…you are not close to the wife but you know her. Would it be worth it to break the friendship with your best friend?